Where all the quizzical, nonsensical, fantastical, smanbastical, rambling ideas of the world's great minds come to have breakfast

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Orlando whirled, and saw who the voice was coming from. The voice belonged to...

...none other than ASH KETCHUM! Former Pokemon master of the world! In his old age, Ash had become grumpy and senile, forgetting where he was often, and sometimes trying to force his way into his own Pokeballs.

In his anger, Ash threw the first Pokeball he found in his pocket and it hit Orlando in the face. In doing so, Ash's first battle since retirement commenced. For this impromptu battle, Orlando reached into his trolley bag with his blue seventh arm and chose...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Orlando opened up his silly little trolley bag, and reached in for his...


A sehrkühlerhaartrockner is approximately three feet long, and two feet wide.Orlando's was a particularly garish shade of yellow.Its function was to teleport the user immediately to their destination.

The single reason Orlando had not used this device to get to Academy for Silly, Stupid, Horrible Alligators and Terrapins (ASSHAT) as quickly as possible was that there was one unfortunate disadvantage a sehrkühlerhaartrockner carried with it: that whenever used, the user became blue, and grew a seventh arm on their head. But this effect only lasted for a few weeks, so Orlando had decided to utilize this instrument, just this one time, simply for the reason that he was not going to risk a run in with bad karaoke.

He cringed as he reached for the power button of the sehrkühlerhaartrockner. Then he aquaed out.

Soon, he awoke to see, not aqua, surrounding him, but blue. Plain, boring blue. Soon, he realized that the blue was just his seventh arm hanging in front of his face.

“Damn, now I’ve got to learn how to control this thing.” Orlando thought to himself.

With his first and second hand (The only other two in his possession), he removed the seventh hand from his face, and gazed around. He was astounded when he saw that he was in the courtyard of the bizarrely right-angled castle, known as the home campus of ASSHAT.

“Welcome, Orlando. I was expecting you.” A voice said behind him.

“No, wait. Wait!” The voice added. “I wasn’t expecting you, what was I thinking? Thinking! I was expecting coffee from my coffee machine. Machine! But it didn’t come! That made me angry. Now I’m angry. Angry!”

Orlando whirled, and saw who the voice was coming from. The voice belonged to…

Sunday, February 25, 2007

But one thing he did see, other than grass, was a sign that said...


Well, Orlando wasn't much a fan of bad Karaoke. Or even his identical evil twin sister, good Karaoke.

"I'm positively terrified that I might be punished by bad Karaoke's embroidery," Orlando thank to himself, "which would end my life as I know it. Oh, how I wish Dave were here."

Little did he know, suspect, or even regularly dream about, the fact that Dave had also fallen victim to the curved watermelon roof. Now deeply unconscious, he was curled up in the amber cavity of a traffic light that was migrating north for the winter season.

Knowing that it was his only chance of escape that didn't involve Marmite and Australia Post, Orlando opened up his silly little trolley bag, and reached in for his...

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Several hours later, he awoke to see...

...the inside of a strange transportation device, with his silly little trolley bag.

Orlando was lying on something hard, yet squishy and warm, which he did not desire to know the function of, he could also felt a slight rocking of the carriage/room he was being transported in.

He sat up, and looked at what he could out of the only, pint-size window, (although you can hardly compare the area of a window to the volume or capacity of a pint, figures of speech make no sense) he could see the following: Grass, grass, grass.

"Seem to be moving on land at least," he mumbled to himself, "or maybe even grass in the air."

He couldn't see the following: Water, rabbits, and inordinate amounts of silver keys. The reason for his not seeing these things is not surprising, being that there were none.

But one thing that he did see, other than grass, was a sign that said...

Friday, December 15, 2006

"Oh, yes, and I almost forgot... will meet Gareth in six months. She is being 'prepared'. Until then, we've decided to send you to the Academy for Silly, Stupid, Horrible Alligators and Terrapins (A.S.S.H.A.T.). My cousin, Daisy, is instructing there. He's a brilliant minesweeper. So talented, he doesn't even need flags. That'll come in handy for when you meet Gareth, as especially since she's always followed around by those grey blocks that explode when you touch the wrong one."

Ernest giggled. (Which is a strange thing to see. You see it is hard to tell what emotion a dustcloud is feeling. If it is happy, it looks dusty. If it is angry, it looks dusty. In fact, the only way we know that Ernest giggled is that when it did anything, it would comment. In this case, when Ernest giggled, it actually said, "Giggle". [Which is such a strange word. Seriously. Try saying it 30 times really fast. You'll never want to use it again.] It is for this reason, that it was uncomfortable to be around Ernest when it said, "Crap". All people could see was the dustcloud growing bigger. )

Orlando stood up quickly in protest of being sent to A.S.S.H.A.T., but banged his head on the curved roof of the watermelon house. As a shower of watermelon seeds rained upon him, the world went aqua, because that's what colour Orlando saw when he 'blacked' or 'aquaed' out.

Several hours later, he awoke to see...

Sunday, December 03, 2006

And they all skipped home to...

...Their watermelon-shaped house, in which was situated five solid gold chairs, and seven Oompa Loompa bodyguards.

The door to this house was very short, so the three of them had to crawl through the entrance. When they got inside, there was a lovely lamb roast sitting on the table, happily eating the boy's parents.

"Do not eat my parents!" The boy shouted. Then it stopped. Following his castigation, the boy, Ernest and Dave all took up their seats in the golden chairs and watched as they were served by Oompa Loompas.

"Orlando, do not attempt to run away again. No matter how hard you try, you cannot escape your arranged marriage with Gareth. Yes, Gareth is a girl's name!" The father, who was fat, said.

"See, son, look at how well your brother and his partner are getting along." The mother, who was a Welsh Crocodile, said, looking at Ernest and Dave. The two lovers gazed lovingly into eachother's eyes with love. Or, well, dust, in Ernest's case.

Orlando's mother, the Welsh Crocodile, sat up in her seat. "Oh, yes, and I almost forgot...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

As the boy focused, the cloud became...

...his cynical half brother, Dave - whose face was like a dead buffalo and whose oversized body was like a tyrannosaurus.

"Ugh," muttered the boy. "I'm so sick of seeing that dog-ugly brother of mine, with his face like a dead buffalo and oversized body like a tyrannosaurus." The boy's shoulders slumped slightly.

Dave and his travelling buddy, the cloud of dust, halted in front of the boy. "Wow, you're looking good," said Dave cynically.

"Who's your friend?"

Dave looked at his cloud of dust and said coyly, "This is Ernest. We're getting married in the Spring. Mum and Dad sent me to get you. They say to stop playing with your silly little trolley bag and come home."

The boy sighed. He tugged on his trolley bag, held hands with Dave and Ernest, and they all skipped home to...